Incredibly Powerful Simplicity

     I am struggling, you all.

     I hate to admit that, and the fact that I even typed it has taken me by surprise. However, I want to be as open as possible with this blog. That doesn't mean I want everyone to know every single detail of my life! But I do wish to be honest and up front with you. I want to re-learn how to be truthful about my feelings, and I want to finally grasp the concept of asking for help and prayer when I need it. I want people to be encouraged by the things that I write, and to realize that they are not alone in their troubles and hard times. Sometimes, however, that means I have to be open about the issues I face that are ONGOING and not already fixed, sealed, and put away...
     So, I wanted to write my next post about ongoing problems and troubles that I deal with - I just have had no idea where to start. Then, the Lord opened my eyes to what I believe to be one of the underlying causes of the struggles in my life. No surprise there, as He is always showing me what I should write about. The real shock, though, was when I realized just what I am to write about this time. It SHOULDN'T be shocking, technically speaking. It is, after all, what we are called to do, and what we should always be speaking. It just took me some time to process WHY I need to write about this, how it connects back to my life, and whether or not other people would be able to empathize with this particular issue.

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     I was raised in a Christian home. I am the first daughter, and middle child of five. I grew up with what seemed to be a built-in knowledge of the Love of Jesus. He always existed for me. I never doubted that He was Real, or True, or Good. We all had our own Bibles; we have been part of the same church my entire life; we went to a part-time Christian Latin school; magnets printed with Bible verses hung (and still hang) on our fridge; I have strong memories of my dad reading to us out of his time-worn Bible, and of my parents speaking in tongues at church; I have been to church camps, prayer conferences, and have been prayed over more times than I can count. Knowledge of the Lord and who He Is has never been hard to come by in our house. I was baptized when I was fifteen years old. Right around that time is also when I really started struggling to keep my footing...

     I went to public school for the first time in the sixth grade. That was some major culture shock! I was there for two years, then homeschooled in the eighth grade, and THEN went to public high school. That was an even bigger culture shock. In middle school, we were still living outside the city, so the middle school I went to was very culturally different from the high school I (naively) insisted on attending. It was a shock, yes, but it also wasn't hard to come by other people that had similar beliefs to mine. Not necessarily the same, mind you. Generally speaking though, most people out in the more rural areas went to a church of some sort. Even if they didn't, I was never really made fun of for going to church; everyone out there understood, at least on some level. My high school was almost a different story entirely...

     In one of my earlier posts, I wrote about my struggles with straying into darkness, and how it was an issue for me to "see the light," so to speak. I need everyone to know that there has never been a time in my life where I doubted who God was. I have ALWAYS known Him to be very real. The older I've gotten, and the more people I've met and spoken with, the more I realize that my struggles are not uncommon. I knew what was Right, and True, and Good, but I continuously fought against a part of me that just wanted to see what certain things were like. I was literally choosing sin over Truth. I knew I was doing it, and I dealt with a LOT of guilt that came from those choices. Mostly because the reasoning behind my choosing to sin was simply that I knew I would be forgiven. How many times do we do that? Choose sin on purpose, and then write it off as no big deal, just because we know that we have already been forgiven? It's terrible, but I know I'm not the only person to ever do this. Unfortunately, it's an easy trap to fall into...

      As I've also mentioned before, my biggest issue that I have ever struggled with is feeling as though I am not good enough. It is a DEEP self-esteem issue; it goes much further than just feeling like I look terrible or my clothes suck. I have never truly cared what other people thought about the way I look. That wasn't what bothered me. It sounds so weird to say, but I was bothered by my SELF. Not by other people's opinions, but by my opinion of myself. I hate messing up. I hate struggling. I hate it when I don't meet my own expectations. I hate feeling like I am in a rut of some kind. I have all the grace in the world for other people, and have forgiven a lot of crap that other people have done. It's so much harder for me to forgive myself! I hyper-focus on all I have done wrong; oddly enough though, it doesn't motivate me to do "better." On the contrary, it makes me feel even more stuck. It is like I have sky-high expectations for myself, but at the same time I know I'll never meet them, and as a result, I spend a lot of time feeling down or depressed about my life. How crazy is that? It is a very vicious cycle, and one that to this day I fight against...

     So, while I have never doubted that God was real, or that He loved me, I was constantly doubting myself - AKA His creation! - and it led me to a point where I was struggling with feeling good enough for God. I don't really know when that thought started. I just know it is one that has tormented me for years. He has slowly been working different things through my heart, though, and I have finally reached certain conclusions that have changed the game for me forever...

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     The Gospel is incredible in its simplicity. To an extent, I was right before: I'm NOT good enough for God. None of us are. We are sinful, destructive, selfish, arrogant, corrupt, angry, lying, hateful human beings. God is perfect. One hundred percent clean. Absolutely without sin. So, of COURSE I couldn't be good enough for Him! The key, however, lies within the beauty of the Gospel... 

     I have Jesus. I made that commitment to Him a long time ago. I was baptized in the name of the Trinity, and forever made a part of His family. His Spirit lives within me. I have access to the very Throne of God because of the power I have through Jesus' name. These are facts I have known just about all my life. It is what I grew up learning and knowing. Yet somehow, somewhere along the way, some simplistic bit of information was plucked out, and I started struggling with my true identity. I started feeling inferior, and not good enough for other people, let alone for God...

     I HAVE JESUS. That's the point. Yes, TECHNICALLY we are not good enough for the Lord. At least, we aren't good enough ON OUR OWN. Jesus is the key. Jesus took my sin. He took everyone's sin, all that had been, was, and would be, upon Himself. God sent Him to die so that we COULD be good enough, if we choose to follow Him. We are not able on our own, but we can stand under the shadow of His wing and finally be at peace. 

     This concept is so simple, it's almost laughable. It is insane to think that I have had such a hard time connecting the dots with this. It reminds me of some of the Sherlock Holmes stories, honestly. He (Sherlock) is constantly reminding Watson that that which seems complex is actually quite simple to solve. The same holds true for my interpretations; I was making the message of the Gospel and its salvation out to be some super complex concept that was impossible to grasp. When in reality, it's very simple. Simple, but the simplicity is what makes it so powerful. The enemy likes to distort things, and make everything seem much more complicated than it is...

     So, yes, I am struggling. I have been for a very long time, and recently it has gotten worse. This summer has been very difficult; I miss work, and my kiddos, and have been fighting against a depressed state of mind for weeks. Sitting and just learning how to BE in the Lord's presence is hard for me. Being OK with not working is rough. Not having a routine makes me feel so lazy. Trusting that this season is one of growth is almost impossible. The struggles I have are very real. They are not something I will be able to fully put behind me for awhile. However, I am holding on to the simple, yet beautiful, lifeline that has been given to me. I know that nothing can separate me from the Love of my Lord. I know that I can finally step into the freedom that is being offered to me. I know that I am a Daughter of the King. I know that corrupted, sinful, human thoughts lie, but that the Lord does not; therefore, I know that the negative thoughts that plague me, and the unrealistic expectations I have for myself are not Truth. Because of Jesus, I am free. 

     That simple message holds some incredible power, y'all. 

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"God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."

2 Corinthians 5:21

"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy, by the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life."

Titus 3:4-7

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."

John 3:16

"...so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many; and He will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for Him."

Hebrews 9:28