We Need Him Every Second

 

 

"I call it Joy, which is here a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and from Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasures in the world. But then Joy is never in our power and pleasure often is."

-C.S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy. 

 

 

      Hey there, friends -

 

     If you had asked me even just a couple of years ago where I thought my life would be at this point in time, nothing I would have answered with would be anywhere close to how things actually turned out. Seriously though, two years ago I most likely would have just shrugged and said something like, "Who cares?" Because two years ago, I really could not make myself even think about where my life was going. My life had taken an immense pounding a few months prior, and I was still struggling to find my footing amidst all the upheaval.

     Overcome with grief, feeling stuck in a job I was hating more and more, and filled with anger that I tried - and ultimately, failed - to smother, the last thing on my mind was where my life was going. The darkness I had been struggling with for most of my life was flickering around the edges of my brain, trying to find something else to pound into me. It was rough going for me for awhile, you all. I was halfheartedly attempting different things to try and fight back, but it was SO DIFFICULT. Grief can be unbelievably destructive; although very much a natural part of life, if it isn't handled correctly, it will rip your heart apart. I finally just started praying to God for help. Nothing really specific, just a general "please help me, Lord, and please never let go of me."

     And so He did.

  

     There are a few moments in my life that I recognize as turning points for me; real, tangible moments when I felt God's presence so strongly I couldn't move. Literally, physically could not move a muscle. One of the concepts I concentrate the hardest on is how He is always there for us. He will always provide exactly what we need in the moment. We are given the power to - as my mom always prays - "boldly approach the Throne of Grace for whatever we need." So, I do just that. And He always provides help, whether in the form of a person, new perspective, or humble strength. It is something I am constantly thankful for, and will never stop talking about.

     The first turning point I can remember is when my best friend, Mary, passed away, in April of 2015. I was in shock for hours; I remember getting the phone call, and racing to work with my friends to confirm the news. I remember sitting in the desk chair, with my foot bouncing nonstop, watching my other friends cry, and wondering why I wasn't. I remember driving home, alone. And I remember walking into my parents house; as soon as I walked into my room, I started panicking. It was like walking through the doorway broke open an entire dam. I was just standing there, unable to speak, unable to make myself sit down, crying silently, and praying to Jesus to please, just help me. And at the exact moment I started praying that, my dad walked into the room. I remember looking at him with absolute desperation. And more than anything, I remember him holding on to me and just letting me cry. It was the only thing anyone could do for me, besides pray, and he was doing plenty of that as well. I remember that moment so well because, in spite of the grief that was raging in my heart, my spirit felt Peace. It is one of the few times I have felt both simultaneously, and I won't ever forget it.

     The second moment that comes to mind was during the summer of 2015, when I was in the middle of an argument with someone; I was being ripped into, berated for things that weren't my fault. My heart felt as though it was being physically punched with every sentence; I was numb. I just remember thinking, "Lord Jesus, please help me," over and over and over again. And then it was if time stopped, although only for my spirit. I could hear His voice, clear as day, whispering to me that I was better than the situation I was currently in; I felt so much Peace fill me, and felt a weight slip off that I hadn't even known was there; I finally, with absolute clarity, saw myself the way He has always seen me. And in that moment, I knew that I was done with that argument, done with that person, and done with letting people walk all over me. It is the strongest I have ever felt my heart become. Amazing.

      The third point is probably the clearest of all; it is also the happiest moment out of all three of these, although it still isn't what most would think of as "happy." I was in California for the first time, in November of 2015. One of my friends and I had just driven across the state to see the beach; my cell phone was at less than ten percent, I had no charger, I was tired and hungry, and I just wanted to see some dang waves. I remember stepping on to the sand, and immediately sitting down to remove my boots. I remember walking to the edge of the water. I remember that all I could do was stare. I stood completely still for a good fifteen minutes, just breathing it in; and I could. Not. Move. The funny part of this, at least to me, is that that beach wasn't even the prettiest scenery we had seen on our trip. I stood on a frozen beach at Lake Tahoe, surrounded by snow-covered mountains, snow-covered trees, and unbelievably fresh air. I drove up and down mountain roads that were covered in ice, on the edge of cliffs with no guardrails, across the Golden Gate bridge, etc. But the thing that sticks out to me most is the anticipation I felt during our drive to the beach. Every sight I saw was prettier than the last, yet everything inside of me just wanted to stand on that sand and see some dang waves! It was as if my spirit knew what was waiting for me. And that is honestly the coolest thing, like, ever. Indescribable.

 

     I could go on with more stories from my life; however, after that California trip, things in my life definitely started shifting. I heard God plenty of times after that, and definitely still do, but that trip in particular is when things started changing for the better. Not immediately, but quickly enough that I could sense it, and started to actually look forward to my future. It has been such an intense road since then. At this point in time, on September twelfth, of 2017, at nine-fifteen PM, I have a definite sense of Peace, and am starting to more clearly see a path outlined for me. I could hyper-focus on all the little things that don't really matter that much; or I could continue to focus on the bigger and brighter things, that make me feel as though I am carrying a little talisman of warmth around with me. I am leaving it in God's hands no matter what, as He has proven to be more than capable at directing my life, unlike myself! Praise be to Him for that, is all I can say.

     I am praying that the story of my life reaches someone who needs it; one of the things that helped me when I was struggling was reading about other people who struggled. The world needs more people who are open and honest about what it means to be human, and less about what it is to be perfect. Because one actually exists, and the other does not. People need to see more of what it means to be in love with Jesus, and less of what it looks like to be in love with your Self. One is the ultimate goal, and the other is ultimately destructive. We need to be able to show others the messy, grace-filled sides of our lives, and not just the ultra-filtered "happy" moments. One lets those who are hurting know they aren't alone, and the other only ostracizes those hurting souls even more. People need to realize that grief and Joy go hand-in-hand, and that even God Himself hasn't been without grief. We need to be thanking Him even in the midst of our hurt, and not just when we feel content. Neither one of them is a constant, and neither one of them stays away forever.

 

     In closing, I am including a few pictures from that precious, beautiful California trip, as well as the link to my favorite song!

 

 

 

 

Stinson Beach, California

 

San Francisco, California, on top of a crazy hill!

 

Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco, California

 

Myself, on frozen Regan Beach, South Lake Tahoe, California

 

Fun fact: I took this on my phone, and all I did to edit it was hit the "auto-adjust" button.

Frozen Regan Beach, South Lake Tahoe, California

 

 

"And those the Lord has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away."

- Isaiah 35:10, NIV.

 

 

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him, and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

- 1 Peter 1:8-9, NIV.