Are You Willing?
Hello all, and happy Sunday -
Today, my head hurt; from the moment I woke up, the throbbing was unbelievable. Sunday morning, I'm trying to get myself ready, and gather the items I needed for the skit my class was performing today. Ohio Valley allergies are no joke, y'all; I could FEEL things moving around my sinuses! And on a Sunday morning, too. I hate when things don't go well before I head out to church. Arriving flustered or irritated just makes me even more flustered and irritated, because I feel like I'm somehow failing by showing up on Sunday in a bad mood. As if I have forgotten that I'm only human, and bad moods are to be expected! As if I didn't know that it was really a scheme by the enemy to keep me from going to church, worshipping the Lord, and praying with other believers. To be frank, if my class didn't have their skit today, I probably WOULDN'T have gone to church. Which is saying something about how badly my head was hurting, because I go out of my way to make sure I can go as often as possible!
So, I went, giving thanks for the kids that were motivating me to push through and get there. (Even though I was late... but that's not important!) The kids' performance went over extremely well, and I had fun watching them have so much fun! It was a great reminder of why I do what I do with my life; I love kids, I love working with kids, I love seeing kids brainstorm ideas, and I love seeing kids throw themselves into their work, and I especially love seeing kids be SO PROUD of themselves after working so hard. To know that I was part of that process is wonderful, and so encouraging to my heart - even when my poor head feels like it's about to burst open! I miss my kids at work whenever I'm not with them, and I love just sitting and talking with them. God has been so gracious and kind in providing me with this career path; I can't imagine doing anything else!
Choosing to go and worship God, in spite of whatever pain - physical or otherwise - you may be feeling is very powerful indeed. There is nothing in this world that should hold us back from worshipping and loving Him. It is so worth it! Or I suppose I should say that HE is so worth it! And what a great reminder He provided me with today: I love my job, and I will continue to willingly go to it, and I will continue to willingly fight to be better at it, even in spite of the times where things seem not-so-great, or I am frustrated with people at work, or I do not feel as though I am good enough. The key word in these statements being willingly, of course...
So, a very specific question has been going around and around in my head recently, which has led me to look inward and examine my heart. My heart which, in the past few weeks, has taken quite a few beatings, emotionally-speaking. I have been struggling with a rather large amount of anger and frustration, as well as a huge bit of hurt. One of the biggest battles I have ever faced is feeling as though I am "good enough." And yes, I understand that everyone struggles with that issue on some level. However, this battle is one that has affected multiple areas of my life, and has left me feeling - there is no other word for it - broken. Allow me to explain a bit:
I have talked in my past few posts about how my life has transitioned recently, and how it's been somewhat of a struggle. Well, I suppose I wasn't entirely truthful, because the reality is that this transition period at times is almost UNBEARABLE for me. I have never felt more like I was taking huge steps backwards in my life. I have never felt more overwhelmed with work and emotion. I have also never felt more lonely. Because, you see, I have finally left all the pieces of my old life behind. I have officially "moved on," and finally feel as though I am moving into the next phase that God has for me. However, even though I feel so much relief, and anticipation for what's to come, I have also entered yet another grieving process. Even if you know the decisions you are making are what's best for you, turning your back on formerly huge parts of your life is not easy. Especially when other people are involved.
Grief comes in many different ways, you all. As much as my heart was broken and swimming with grief when my friend Mary died, I have realized that it can be JUST as painful a process to let certain people in your life go. The reconciliation process with this type of grief is, to me at least, more complicated. It is harder for my brain to reconcile the fact that someone that is still alive, breathing, and well, is no longer in my life, than for me to eventually accept that someone who died is now gone and I will see them in Heaven one day. As huge as the pain can become when someone we love passes away, there is always a sense of peace that not only are they no longer hurting, but that one day we WILL see them again. They get to dance with Jesus! They get to sit and just BE in His presence! It is cause for celebration, even within your grief. Yet when someone who is in perfect health decides suddenly one day to disappear from your life, you are left in a bewildered state, with tons of questions, on top of the pain that always comes with being left by someone you love and care about. And when you yourself have made the decision to turn your back and let that perfectly healthy being leave, the process becomes even more bewildering. Which now brings us back to my original point: the specific question the Lord has been working through my heart.
Simply put, when we choose to follow Jesus, we are also making the choice to leave our old selves behind. There is no sacrifice too great, nothing in this world too glorious, that is better than the ultimate prize we receive when we have Him. Absolutely NOTHING. Jesus paid it all; this much we know for sure. Yet have we paid anything for Him? This is where things start to get murky. This is also where, in the midst of my own hurt and musings, God met me with a question:
Today, my head hurt; from the moment I woke up, the throbbing was unbelievable. Sunday morning, I'm trying to get myself ready, and gather the items I needed for the skit my class was performing today. Ohio Valley allergies are no joke, y'all; I could FEEL things moving around my sinuses! And on a Sunday morning, too. I hate when things don't go well before I head out to church. Arriving flustered or irritated just makes me even more flustered and irritated, because I feel like I'm somehow failing by showing up on Sunday in a bad mood. As if I have forgotten that I'm only human, and bad moods are to be expected! As if I didn't know that it was really a scheme by the enemy to keep me from going to church, worshipping the Lord, and praying with other believers. To be frank, if my class didn't have their skit today, I probably WOULDN'T have gone to church. Which is saying something about how badly my head was hurting, because I go out of my way to make sure I can go as often as possible!
So, I went, giving thanks for the kids that were motivating me to push through and get there. (Even though I was late... but that's not important!) The kids' performance went over extremely well, and I had fun watching them have so much fun! It was a great reminder of why I do what I do with my life; I love kids, I love working with kids, I love seeing kids brainstorm ideas, and I love seeing kids throw themselves into their work, and I especially love seeing kids be SO PROUD of themselves after working so hard. To know that I was part of that process is wonderful, and so encouraging to my heart - even when my poor head feels like it's about to burst open! I miss my kids at work whenever I'm not with them, and I love just sitting and talking with them. God has been so gracious and kind in providing me with this career path; I can't imagine doing anything else!
Choosing to go and worship God, in spite of whatever pain - physical or otherwise - you may be feeling is very powerful indeed. There is nothing in this world that should hold us back from worshipping and loving Him. It is so worth it! Or I suppose I should say that HE is so worth it! And what a great reminder He provided me with today: I love my job, and I will continue to willingly go to it, and I will continue to willingly fight to be better at it, even in spite of the times where things seem not-so-great, or I am frustrated with people at work, or I do not feel as though I am good enough. The key word in these statements being willingly, of course...
So, a very specific question has been going around and around in my head recently, which has led me to look inward and examine my heart. My heart which, in the past few weeks, has taken quite a few beatings, emotionally-speaking. I have been struggling with a rather large amount of anger and frustration, as well as a huge bit of hurt. One of the biggest battles I have ever faced is feeling as though I am "good enough." And yes, I understand that everyone struggles with that issue on some level. However, this battle is one that has affected multiple areas of my life, and has left me feeling - there is no other word for it - broken. Allow me to explain a bit:
I have talked in my past few posts about how my life has transitioned recently, and how it's been somewhat of a struggle. Well, I suppose I wasn't entirely truthful, because the reality is that this transition period at times is almost UNBEARABLE for me. I have never felt more like I was taking huge steps backwards in my life. I have never felt more overwhelmed with work and emotion. I have also never felt more lonely. Because, you see, I have finally left all the pieces of my old life behind. I have officially "moved on," and finally feel as though I am moving into the next phase that God has for me. However, even though I feel so much relief, and anticipation for what's to come, I have also entered yet another grieving process. Even if you know the decisions you are making are what's best for you, turning your back on formerly huge parts of your life is not easy. Especially when other people are involved.
Grief comes in many different ways, you all. As much as my heart was broken and swimming with grief when my friend Mary died, I have realized that it can be JUST as painful a process to let certain people in your life go. The reconciliation process with this type of grief is, to me at least, more complicated. It is harder for my brain to reconcile the fact that someone that is still alive, breathing, and well, is no longer in my life, than for me to eventually accept that someone who died is now gone and I will see them in Heaven one day. As huge as the pain can become when someone we love passes away, there is always a sense of peace that not only are they no longer hurting, but that one day we WILL see them again. They get to dance with Jesus! They get to sit and just BE in His presence! It is cause for celebration, even within your grief. Yet when someone who is in perfect health decides suddenly one day to disappear from your life, you are left in a bewildered state, with tons of questions, on top of the pain that always comes with being left by someone you love and care about. And when you yourself have made the decision to turn your back and let that perfectly healthy being leave, the process becomes even more bewildering. Which now brings us back to my original point: the specific question the Lord has been working through my heart.
Simply put, when we choose to follow Jesus, we are also making the choice to leave our old selves behind. There is no sacrifice too great, nothing in this world too glorious, that is better than the ultimate prize we receive when we have Him. Absolutely NOTHING. Jesus paid it all; this much we know for sure. Yet have we paid anything for Him? This is where things start to get murky. This is also where, in the midst of my own hurt and musings, God met me with a question:
Are you willing?
Well, was I? Are YOU? What are we willing to give up for Him? Because there is a cost, you know. We can't have both Jesus, and our former lives of sin. Why would we want that anyway? We want Jesus because He is EVERYTHING. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life; He IS, and He WAS, and He will always BE; He is the Light of the world, which can never be extinguished by the darkness; He is the Son, and the One who has saved us from our sin; He CHOSE to die, then rose again, descended and then ascended JUST to save us, his sinful people; He is the Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, and the Prince of Peace; He has never left us, and neither has He forsaken us.
I am a sinful human being. I have done plenty of things in my life that I am not proud of, and I have even chosen sin over Truth on purpose. In spite of all I have done wrong, still He loves me. He died for me. He chose me. So, how can I choose to follow Him, knowing all that He has done FOR ME, yet still continue to willingly do what I know to be wrong? The bottom line is, I can't. I couldn't do it; hence, the grief and heartbreak I have been dealing with recently. I so want to be willing, but again, there is a price to be paid for willingly following Jesus. I have had to come face-to-face with issues that have followed me for years. I have had to be vulnerable, and have had to voluntarily forsake my independence. I have had to choose to let people leave, and not fight for them to stay in my life. I have broken down in tears more times than I can count the past few weeks, pleading, begging, and fighting with God. I have begged Him for forgiveness, and pleaded with Him for help. I have had to finally face myself. One minute, I have thanked Him for strengthening my heart, and then broken down in angry tears the next minute, trying to change His mind. I have frantically searched my Bible for any verse that can calm my spirit. I have lost a lot of sleep. I have been fighting a spiritual battle, and I am tired and broken. I am not telling you all this to get sympathy. I am telling you all this because it is raw, real, uncomfortable, and emotional. I am telling my story because I know other people are struggling; and sometimes when you're struggling with certain issues, you need a push from an emotional story that makes you uncomfortable.
So, are you willing? To pay the cost? What is He asking of you? He gave up everything just for you and me, so what can YOU give up for Him? For what do you wish to be known? Will you be known for loving and following Him, no matter the cost? To quote one of my favorite songs:
" The only thing I want in life,
is to be known for loving Christ.
To build His church, to love His bride;
and make His name known far and wide. "
-Kari Jobe, "The Cause of Christ."
I want to be known for loving Christ; and I am finally willing to do so, no matter the cost.
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"Why should you be beaten anymore? Why do you persist in rebellion? Your whole head is injured, your whole heart afflicted. From the sole of your foot to the top of your head there is no soundness - only wounds and welts and open sores..."
Isaiah 1:5-6, NIV.
"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here am I. Send me!' "
Isaiah 6:8, NIV.
"We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
2 Corinthians 5: 20-21, NIV.
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