For My Life is Not My Own..
Hello, everyone!
I know, I know, it's been forever and a day since I've written anything. Life has been rather crazy; I moved, I've been sick off and on, and the charging port on my laptop broke. Add the holidays on top of that, as well as working full time, and it's no wonder I haven't been able to get a new post out sooner! I sincerely apologize; this was in no way my intention. Actually, when I first started this blog, I intended to write at least one new post a month, if not more than that. I shall try and do better, although I will definitely be the first to admit that not only am I human, but also rather scatterbrained and absentminded these days. Pray for me and my poor brain, y'all! I'll stop with my excuses now...
So, I've had quite a few ideas the past few weeks that I was SURE I wanted to write about. In fact, I would plan each post out in my head, and then a few days later be taken with an idea that was EVEN better. Then, of course, I would plan THAT idea out, only to have it be pushed out by yet another idea. On and on and on it goes. However, as usually seems to be the case, something happened that pushed all other thoughts out of my brain. Not only that, but it just so happened to go along with certain things that the Lord has been speaking to my heart!
If you remember, I wrote a post or two about my tiny plant; how it survived being neglected by me; how it suddenly burst forth and was thriving; how it was a constant source of encouragement to my heart on rough days; how it was the perfect metaphor for myself and my life the past couple of years. Well, I now have the unfortunate task of informing you all that my tiny plant - my beautiful, tough, strong little plant - has died. Utterly and completely shriveled up and died. To be quite honest, it was one of the biggest shocks I've experienced recently! Being that my shock is about a dead plant, I can totally understand why some of you will probably find that weird. I can't help it though. My heart broke when I found out my plant died.
Let me give some back story here:
First, as I mentioned before, I moved; moreover, that move was none other than back into my parents' house. You see, I don't make quite enough to live anywhere alone, and I don't really have anyone around here right now that I would WANT living with me. So, until I figure things out, I am back at home; at least, until the school year is over. I feel I must emphasize, though, that I am putting this situation in God's hands. I am trying not to worry about how backwards it makes me feel, or how it looks to other people. He has a plan for me, and that's all that truly matters. I should also point out how grateful I am to have parents that would even let me come back! They are truly wonderful, and I am very thankful to them for everything they have done for me!
Secondly, work has been dealing some seriously emotional punches, y'all. Working in a school is not for the faint of heart, let me tell you. I have kiddos in my class that have gone through more in their four or five years of life than I could ever imagine. I am screamed at, hit, spit on, kicked, scratched, and cried on on a daily basis. I was bitten so badly by a child that they sent me to the doctor; I am now in the middle of a series of Hepatitis B shots and blood work testing. However, the doctor ASSURED me it would all be over by April. One of my coworkers is now going through the same thing, as of two days ago. Two of our children are moving into a new foster home today, which is going to make things a bit rough this next week. (We have yet to learn if they will even be staying on at our school, or transferring somewhere else.) I hear stories about what these kids have been through, and some of it makes me feel physically ill. To think that someone could mistreat a CHILD as badly as some of these kids... Let's just say, I'm glad that vengeance is the Lord's.
So anyway, all of that is to say that most days I am too exhausted to even talk when I get home from work, let alone deal with anything else that gets thrown at me. Which means that when I was told by my parents that my tiny plant had not survived being transferred to a new pot, my already overloaded heart just... broke.
It's hard not to feel guilt when I discipline kids at school. Even if that's what is best for them, and it's simply a consequence for something they were explicitly told NOT to do, it still sucks. I also struggle with feeling like I'm failing at reaching certain children. It is a real battle sometimes, y'all, to not feel like I am useless at work. There will be days where things go SO WELL, and I think that I'm finally getting through to my kiddos. Then, sometimes even the very next day, it will be like nothing was ever accomplished, and all your hard work was totally wasted. It is quite easy to fall for the traps of the enemy, and to let his lies work their way into your heart. It is an uphill battle every day, but one for which I try and stay thankful. After all, without the constant battling, I wouldn't pray/ talk with God as much as I do, right? So, that's something, at least!
This continual battle I face is part of why the death of my tiny plant hit me so hard; it had already been a very rough week, and the guilt that came with the news was overwhelming. I will very readily admit that I cried over my poor plant! I felt slightly ridiculous the next morning, but at the same time I didn't care. Sometimes, you just have to cry about things; feeling emotion is never something to feel ashamed over.
Now, the Lord has been speaking a few very distinct things to me recently. The strongest of those is about transitions. Which is very fitting, considering how many things in my life have been transitioning recently! The thing that has been impressed on me the hardest though, is how He is there every step of the way during each transition of our lives. His plan for my life is what matters most! I have written that in some of my other posts; I just never expected to put my words to work in my own life so soon! To "trust in the Lord with all your heart" during rough patches is difficult; sometimes it seems downright impossible. Yet, there is a peace that accompanies the decision to fully trust in Him and His plans. He causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him, and who are called according to His purpose. And I truly feel that I am called to this particular line of work. It is exhausting, and I make next to no money doing it. However, there is a real JOY that comes when you realize you are doing precisely what the Lord has called you to do. It makes every bit of the job worth it.
Another transition I am currently facing is a second "job," of sorts. I was recently installed as the new Sunday school facilitator in my church. This was something I immediately said yes to doing; my pastor told me to take my time, and to pray about my decision. There are certain decisions, however, that you don't really need to think over. As soon as he asked me, I knew. Kids are my life, y'all! It's a fact that has followed me around most of my life. My church family prayed over me the other week at our Wednesday night meeting, after the transition of the job to me was announced. Let me just say, it was quite a powerful and emotional time for me; so many things were confirmed in my spirit, and I felt so much peace cover me it was amazing. Not only that, but one of the prayers spoken over me was that I have a heart like Jesus when it comes to children. Which is so awesome to me, for multiple reasons. Number one being that, obviously, who wouldn't love having their heart compared to Jesus Christ?! It seriously puts you on cloud nine. Number two is that I was praying to have a heart after Jesus just the week before it was prayed over me by someone in my church; how cool is that?! It was just so much proof that God holds all the pieces in His hands, and eventually we WILL see how certain things connect.
The prayers from that meeting will stick with me for the rest of my life. Thinking back on some of them has even helped me deal with the death of my tiny plant! The poor thing didn't survive its transition to a new home, but that is NOT a reflection of myself and my own life. I know that I am following the Lord's plan for my life. I know that someday this will all make sense. I know that He is always with me. I know that my life is not my own, and I am so grateful for that fact. I know that certain transitions are easier than we expect, while others seem downright impossible; however, that will never change the fact that He IS, and WAS, and will ALWAYS BE. In the midst of this whirlwind of a life, I will continue to cling to the hope that can only be found in Him.
I pray that all of you do the same.
Have a wonderful week, friends. Stay thankful this holiday season!
I know, I know, it's been forever and a day since I've written anything. Life has been rather crazy; I moved, I've been sick off and on, and the charging port on my laptop broke. Add the holidays on top of that, as well as working full time, and it's no wonder I haven't been able to get a new post out sooner! I sincerely apologize; this was in no way my intention. Actually, when I first started this blog, I intended to write at least one new post a month, if not more than that. I shall try and do better, although I will definitely be the first to admit that not only am I human, but also rather scatterbrained and absentminded these days. Pray for me and my poor brain, y'all! I'll stop with my excuses now...
So, I've had quite a few ideas the past few weeks that I was SURE I wanted to write about. In fact, I would plan each post out in my head, and then a few days later be taken with an idea that was EVEN better. Then, of course, I would plan THAT idea out, only to have it be pushed out by yet another idea. On and on and on it goes. However, as usually seems to be the case, something happened that pushed all other thoughts out of my brain. Not only that, but it just so happened to go along with certain things that the Lord has been speaking to my heart!
If you remember, I wrote a post or two about my tiny plant; how it survived being neglected by me; how it suddenly burst forth and was thriving; how it was a constant source of encouragement to my heart on rough days; how it was the perfect metaphor for myself and my life the past couple of years. Well, I now have the unfortunate task of informing you all that my tiny plant - my beautiful, tough, strong little plant - has died. Utterly and completely shriveled up and died. To be quite honest, it was one of the biggest shocks I've experienced recently! Being that my shock is about a dead plant, I can totally understand why some of you will probably find that weird. I can't help it though. My heart broke when I found out my plant died.
Let me give some back story here:
First, as I mentioned before, I moved; moreover, that move was none other than back into my parents' house. You see, I don't make quite enough to live anywhere alone, and I don't really have anyone around here right now that I would WANT living with me. So, until I figure things out, I am back at home; at least, until the school year is over. I feel I must emphasize, though, that I am putting this situation in God's hands. I am trying not to worry about how backwards it makes me feel, or how it looks to other people. He has a plan for me, and that's all that truly matters. I should also point out how grateful I am to have parents that would even let me come back! They are truly wonderful, and I am very thankful to them for everything they have done for me!
Secondly, work has been dealing some seriously emotional punches, y'all. Working in a school is not for the faint of heart, let me tell you. I have kiddos in my class that have gone through more in their four or five years of life than I could ever imagine. I am screamed at, hit, spit on, kicked, scratched, and cried on on a daily basis. I was bitten so badly by a child that they sent me to the doctor; I am now in the middle of a series of Hepatitis B shots and blood work testing. However, the doctor ASSURED me it would all be over by April. One of my coworkers is now going through the same thing, as of two days ago. Two of our children are moving into a new foster home today, which is going to make things a bit rough this next week. (We have yet to learn if they will even be staying on at our school, or transferring somewhere else.) I hear stories about what these kids have been through, and some of it makes me feel physically ill. To think that someone could mistreat a CHILD as badly as some of these kids... Let's just say, I'm glad that vengeance is the Lord's.
So anyway, all of that is to say that most days I am too exhausted to even talk when I get home from work, let alone deal with anything else that gets thrown at me. Which means that when I was told by my parents that my tiny plant had not survived being transferred to a new pot, my already overloaded heart just... broke.
It's hard not to feel guilt when I discipline kids at school. Even if that's what is best for them, and it's simply a consequence for something they were explicitly told NOT to do, it still sucks. I also struggle with feeling like I'm failing at reaching certain children. It is a real battle sometimes, y'all, to not feel like I am useless at work. There will be days where things go SO WELL, and I think that I'm finally getting through to my kiddos. Then, sometimes even the very next day, it will be like nothing was ever accomplished, and all your hard work was totally wasted. It is quite easy to fall for the traps of the enemy, and to let his lies work their way into your heart. It is an uphill battle every day, but one for which I try and stay thankful. After all, without the constant battling, I wouldn't pray/ talk with God as much as I do, right? So, that's something, at least!
This continual battle I face is part of why the death of my tiny plant hit me so hard; it had already been a very rough week, and the guilt that came with the news was overwhelming. I will very readily admit that I cried over my poor plant! I felt slightly ridiculous the next morning, but at the same time I didn't care. Sometimes, you just have to cry about things; feeling emotion is never something to feel ashamed over.
Now, the Lord has been speaking a few very distinct things to me recently. The strongest of those is about transitions. Which is very fitting, considering how many things in my life have been transitioning recently! The thing that has been impressed on me the hardest though, is how He is there every step of the way during each transition of our lives. His plan for my life is what matters most! I have written that in some of my other posts; I just never expected to put my words to work in my own life so soon! To "trust in the Lord with all your heart" during rough patches is difficult; sometimes it seems downright impossible. Yet, there is a peace that accompanies the decision to fully trust in Him and His plans. He causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him, and who are called according to His purpose. And I truly feel that I am called to this particular line of work. It is exhausting, and I make next to no money doing it. However, there is a real JOY that comes when you realize you are doing precisely what the Lord has called you to do. It makes every bit of the job worth it.
Another transition I am currently facing is a second "job," of sorts. I was recently installed as the new Sunday school facilitator in my church. This was something I immediately said yes to doing; my pastor told me to take my time, and to pray about my decision. There are certain decisions, however, that you don't really need to think over. As soon as he asked me, I knew. Kids are my life, y'all! It's a fact that has followed me around most of my life. My church family prayed over me the other week at our Wednesday night meeting, after the transition of the job to me was announced. Let me just say, it was quite a powerful and emotional time for me; so many things were confirmed in my spirit, and I felt so much peace cover me it was amazing. Not only that, but one of the prayers spoken over me was that I have a heart like Jesus when it comes to children. Which is so awesome to me, for multiple reasons. Number one being that, obviously, who wouldn't love having their heart compared to Jesus Christ?! It seriously puts you on cloud nine. Number two is that I was praying to have a heart after Jesus just the week before it was prayed over me by someone in my church; how cool is that?! It was just so much proof that God holds all the pieces in His hands, and eventually we WILL see how certain things connect.
The prayers from that meeting will stick with me for the rest of my life. Thinking back on some of them has even helped me deal with the death of my tiny plant! The poor thing didn't survive its transition to a new home, but that is NOT a reflection of myself and my own life. I know that I am following the Lord's plan for my life. I know that someday this will all make sense. I know that He is always with me. I know that my life is not my own, and I am so grateful for that fact. I know that certain transitions are easier than we expect, while others seem downright impossible; however, that will never change the fact that He IS, and WAS, and will ALWAYS BE. In the midst of this whirlwind of a life, I will continue to cling to the hope that can only be found in Him.
I pray that all of you do the same.
Have a wonderful week, friends. Stay thankful this holiday season!
"I want to know Christ - yes, to know the power of His resurrection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead."
Philippeans 3:10-11, NIV.
"The seasons change, and you change, but the Lord abides evermore the same; and the streams of His love are as deep, as broad, and as full as ever."
Charles Spurgeon
"I'm gonna pray, and sing, and hope; I'm gonna weep, and beg, and moan; I'm gonna fight, and struggle, and doubt. But in the end, I'm gonna be His, and He is gonna be mine. For my life is not my own, but the product of a God who breathed life into dust and said, 'Follow me, out into the storm.' And if I fall, He is quick to answer; for He is the God who calms the storms, and He is the God who is with us in it all."
T.B. LaBerge
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