The Darkness Can Never Extinguish It!

     Evening everyone -

     I heard an unbelievably beautiful song on the radio yesterday. It is called "Forgiven" by Crowder*, and several lines really stuck out to me. My favorite line from this song?

"I could've been six feet under; I could've been lost forever"

     It struck me that I could use that line as a starting point for a new blog post; it relates SO well to my life. There have been plenty of times the past couple of months where I have cried out in pure thankfulness to God for saving me from myself. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone is lead astray at some point in their lives. I am hoping that this particular post will be at least a slight source of encouragement to anyone that currently feels as though they are lost or alone in darkness. I cannot emphasize this enough: you. Are. Never. Alone. EVER.

     I've walked through a lot of darkness the past few years. Praise be to God, I only walked about one foot or so into said darkness, and kept enough of my common sense to not be lead in any further. When I was seventeen years old, I started letting my emotions rule most of my major decision making. I was a typically arrogant teenager, who not only thought I knew best, but also thought I could change people - make them "good" - by loving and accepting every part of who they were. This included severely misinterpreting forgiveness, as defined by God Himself. As a lot of people do, especially young people, I twisted the true meaning behind forgiveness to fit my own wants and desires. I made it out to be a simple process, where you speak the words "I forgive you," and then continue as before, with no changes made, from either side. I let many people walk all over me, from the time I was seventeen, until just a few months ago.

     As I'm sure most people in my life already know, I've struggled with multiple self-esteem issues for most of my life. (I'm only twenty-four, to give you an idea of how crazy that is.) I can honestly say I have no idea when these issues started, I just know that they skyrocketed once I hit seventeen, and I have been struggling to bring balance back to myself ever since. What I DO know is that these issues are the root cause behind my being lead into dark places. When you are constantly looking for confirmation of yourself in the wrong places, you are bound to end up feeling even more lost and alone in the dark. And every time I found myself in another dark situation, I thought it could never be worse than that. That was obviously untrue, as each situation pushed me further away from all I knew to be right and true, including Jesus and my relationship with Him. My biggest weakness has always been those who are hurting. God has given me unimaginable sensitivity; I am empathetic toward people almost to a fault. Actually, definitely to a fault. I am unable to let people go, because what if something happened to them? I feel this intense pull to protect anyone I get close to; as a result, I was forgiving so many people for so many sins, that I left myself behind completely. If anyone has ever read the Harry Potter series, then you will know what I mean when I liken this empathy of mine to Horcruxes. The more Horcruxes you make, the more you split your soul; the more you split your soul, the further you push into the darkness. There are so many relationships in my life where I've sacrificed pieces of myself to keep others whole. On the outside, I smiled, put up a mask, made sure I could get along with everyone, (AKA I agreed with anyone about anything) and never told anyone close to me what I was truly feeling inside. On the inside, however, I was flailing about, running back and forth in the dark, grasping at even the smallest glimmers of light, and attempting to make sense of who I truly was as a person. Is this sounding familiar to anyone? If you have ever felt this way, just know that you are not the only person who has struggled like that. You are not the only person who has ever felt like they were stumbling around, unable to see the Truth.

     The Truth is, you are never alone; not once, throughout any point of your life, have you ever been walking by yourself. My favorite book series is the Chronicles of Narnia, written by C.S. Lewis. In the third book, (chronologically speaking, not by publication) The Horse and His Boy, there is a beautifully peaceful scene that perfectly reflects this timeless Truth. In said scene, the main character (Shasta) finds himself unable to control his horse; as a result, he falls way behind the rest of his companions. Alone in the woods, surrounded by trees and fog and ever-growing darkness, with nothing but a horse for company, he begins to feel very sorry for himself. All of his feelings about everything that had happened to him up to that point begin to surface, and he begins to cry. Suddenly, he becomes aware that he is no longer by himself; not only that, but his unseen companion is obviously very large. What follows is a conversation that always makes me cry:

“Who are you?” he said, barely above a whisper.

“One who has waited long for you to speak,” said the Thing. Its voice was not loud, but very large and deep.

“Are you – are you a giant?” asked Shasta.

“You might call me a giant,” said the Large Voice. “But I am not like the creatures you call giants.”

“I can’t see you at all,” said Shasta, after staring very hard. Then (for an even more terrible idea had come into his head) he said, almost in a scream, “You’re not – not something dead, are you? Oh please – please do go away. What harm have I ever done you? Oh, I am the unluckiest person in the whole world.”

Once more he felt the warm breath of the Thing on his hand and face. “There,” it said, “that is not the breath of a ghost. Tell me your sorrows.”

[...]

                            “Who are you?” asked Shasta.

“Myself,” said the Voice, very deep and low so that the earth shook; and again “Myself,” loud and clear and gay; and then the third time “Myself,” whispered so softly you could hardly hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all around you, as if the leaves rustled with it.

Shasta was no longer afraid that the Voice belonged to something that would eat him, nor that it was the voice of a ghost. But a new and different sort of trembling came over him. Yet he felt glad, too.

The mist was turning from black to grey, and from grey to white. This must have begun to happen some time ago, but while he had been talking to the Thing he had not been noticing anything else. Now, the whiteness around him became a shining whiteness; his eyes began to blink. Somewhere ahead he heard birds singing. He knew the night was over at last. He could see the mane and ears and head of his horse quite clearly now. A golden light fell on them from the left. He thought it was the sun.

He turned and saw, pacing beside him, taller than a horse, a Lion. The horse did not seem to be afraid of it or else could not see it. It was from the lion that the light came. No one ever saw anything more terrible or more beautiful."

[...]

"But after one glance at the Lion’s face he slipped out of the saddle and fell at its feet. He couldn’t say anything, but then he didn’t want to say anything, and he knew he needn’t say anything.

The High King above all kings stooped towards him. Its mane, and some strange and solemn perfume that hung about the mane, was all around him. It touched his forehead with its tongue. He lifted his face and their eyes met. Then instantly the pale brightness of the mist and the fiery brightness of the Lion rolled themselves together into a swirling glory, and gathered themselves up and disappeared. He was alone with his horse on a grassy hillside under a blue sky. And there were birds singing."

      In case anyone is unaware, C.S. Lewis' Narnia series is based on the Bible, the story of Jesus' life and resurrection, and the unbelievable love that our Lord holds for us. He promised that He would never leave us, nor forsake us, and so He hasn't. It is because of this unfailing Love, Mercy, and Grace that I have left the pieces of my old self behind. Or at least, I'm beginning to leave them behind. It is an ongoing process, and one that I plan on being more open about in the future. I have learned how to set boundaries for myself; I have ended poisonous relationships; I am learning that I can leave people in God's hands, and not just specific situations. In fact, I have to leave these people in His hands; because I can't keep letting myself be hurt, but I can't give them up, in case something happens to them. I pray for so many people all the time, and if you don't believe that, then you can check my prayer journals! I have found that praying for those that hurt you is the best way to combat the anger you feel toward them. Not only that, but the more you walk with Jesus, the more in tune you will be to His voice. The more in tune you are to His voice, the clearer decisions will become; you will no longer be flailing around in the darkness. Bear in mind that this is not something that happens overnight. It takes so much work, time, and effort, not to mention tons of prayer. I have only been doing this the past year or so myself; may God continue to work in me, and may I never again be afraid to let His light shine through. The easiest way to start, is by praying for forgiveness. At least, that's how I started. In fact, that's how most of my prayers have started over the past year; I ask for forgiveness for myself, and then thank my Lord and Savior for loving me so well, and never leaving my side. 

     I have lost so many pieces of myself the past seven or so years. I continue to grieve for the person I used to be; I am so wonderfully grateful for the person I am now; I look forward with eager expectation to everything God has for me in the future. The High King above all kings holds me in the palm of His hand; what more could I ask for in this life?

  " 'Come now, let us reason together,' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land; but if you refuse and rebel, you shall be eaten by the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.' "

Isaiah 1:18-20, ESV.

"...giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

Colossians 1:12-14, ESV.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39, NIV.

*You can hear Crowder's song "Forgiven" in full by clicking here.